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Thursday, 05 March 2009

Why can't he just leave me alone. Don't talk to my friends. Don't pity me. I'm fine.

I dunno what possessed him to talk to my friend the other day...and then telling her oh he hopes that I didn't have some misunderstanding about why we're incompatible. It's been over a month since we broke up. It's been 1 month since we last spoke in person. If I don't get it by now, what does it matter him anyway? He told my friend "I hope she knows that she was a good girlfriend." Yes I know I am a good girlfriend. I don't need him to tell me that, especially someone who left me to tell me that. I know my worth, I know what I'm capable of, and I know how great I am. I don't need his pity and I don't need him to check up on me to see how I'm doing. He also said that he wants me to find a boyfriend soon because I deserve it. First of all, he does not know what I do and don't deserve. I will decide for myself what I deserve. I will decide when I want a boyfriend, and I will decide if he's good for me. Just as he did for that girl he is interested in who lives in Taiwan. Nobody else think she's good for him, but only he can decide that for himself. I just need him to stop asking about me because it's making me feel like I'm the pathetic one. Like I need someone to check up on me because I'm the only one not doing well. I hope he knows that I'm fine and that everything in my life will be just fine.

And what does he mean "misunderstand why we're incompatible"? What does he know about compatibility? He's only had me as his only real girlfriend. What I do know is that you either love someone or you don't. If you do, things will always work out somehow. So he doesn't need to tell me about this whole compatibility thing because it's just a fluff cover-up to say "I don't love you anymore." I remember at one point we said that we loved the other person enough to be willing to die in their place. It took us years to realize that, but that is a big realization. If you're willing to do that much for the person...what is compatibility in comparison? If I'm willing to die for you, you think I won't move to a different location for you? If I'm willing to die for you, you think I won't try to change my bad qualities for you? Look how stupid those things are compared to what we promised each other. Compatibility is a joke. The only thing trumps all is if you realize that you want to take back what you said. If you realize you don't love me enough to want to die for me. Then that means all of those small things are starting to matter, suddenly little changes are too much to ask. That's falling out of love. So then just tell me you don't love me anymore. Don't feed me anymore bullshit. I'm too smart to listen to it, I'm too smart to be illogical about our break up, I'm too smart to ever let you make me feel bad, and I'm too smart for you to have to check up on me. You keep saying how good I am or how much more I deserve. But if I ever hear something so disrespectful coming form you again, friendship will be out of the question for good.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

This is the song by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat called "Lucky." It's a very cute song =)
I guess these specific lyrics just reminded me of what I had...and what I hope to have again someday:

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

Cy was my best friend..and I was in love with him, and I didn't know how lucky I was. And when we were apart on two opposite sides of the world, I do hear his whisper across the sea. And he has made my life easier when it's at its most difficult time. I didn't know how hard life was until he left. I remember when we first dated, the first time we had to separate, saying goodbye was so difficult. I think I cried (which was embarrassing because hell I never cry in front of people haha), and I think he teared too...well I know he did, because he texted me that he did while I was on the bus. *sigh* good memories....

I hope I find a new best friend

Happy Valentine's Day Pepper

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

what a busy week....*whew*

I'm starting to worry about everything...uuugh I wish I could stop worrying!! Poo poo poo poo....cover letter, resume, grades, application, tests, no time no time no time..

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Friday, 06 February 2009

I was talking to a friend yesterday, and he told me that people always want what they can't have. Maybe that's why CY wanted that girl--because she's a local taiwanese--which is something he's always been nostalgic about. Maybe that's why I wanted to date Kevin for a bit because he was something unattainable at the time. And here's what I realized...during the time with CY, I guess I never really appreciated him. And it's natural to not appreciate something you think will always be there. But ever since the break up I've been so clingy, sad, desperate...when before I almost thought a break was a good idea. Maybe I should return to my previous mindset and think about why I felt that way. Why didn't I appreciate him? Why wasn't I showing him I was IN LOVE with him? What was it about him that made him not perfect to me before...and is suddenly perfect now?

If I felt that way before the breakup..then surely what I feel now is just a sense of shock and the desire for things to return to normal. I guess after all these years, I still hate change. Perhaps how I feel about losing him isn't really a desire to want him back, it's just the sadness about losing someone important. Surely if CY were only my best friend, I think I would feel almost the same degree of sadness because we had a lot of "best friend" connections--he was always there for me to complain to, we grab dinner and watch tv, we tell each other secrets, we know everything about each other. They say that love is friendship set on fire...and perhaps ours went out already. Or rather...we're not ready to continue to commit once that fire is out--which it will be for any relationships after a long time. And we shouldn't have to want to commit yet right? We're only 21, young, and in our prime. Maybe I didn't love him as much as I thought I did...but only missed him because I can't have him. I should take this as an opportunity to embrace change before it's too late.

Thursday, 05 February 2009

He told me that he would never regret this. He told me he knew what he had given up.

But he doesn't know and he never will.

I am confident that one day he will realize what he had and the mistake he made, maybe not today, maybe not next year, maybe not in 5 years. How do I know this? Because I am confident in myself. I know that I am a complete package. I know that I'm smart, logical, considerate, moral, supportive, outgoing, hardworking, and I can just go on about myself. I do not mean to be arrogant, but I know my worth. I know how good I could be to someone, and if that person would take the time to appreciate my qualities, abilities, and my efforts, then he would know it too.

I will try harder to become the best person I can be, because I know he has underestimated me. I underestimated me. And now it's time to climb to the full potential he never took the time to see. When he sees me again, he will realize everything--but hopefully by the time that happens, I won't care anymore.